Bad Marriages Harder on Women's Health
More likely than mates to show signs of metabolic syndrome in strained unions, study finds

By Kathleen Doheny
HealthDay Reporter

THURSDAY, March 5 (HealthDay News) -- The cardiovascular damage wrought by an unhappy marriage may be greater for women than men, a new study shows. While both men and women in "strained" unions, those marked by arguing and being angry, were more likely to feel depressed than happier partners, the women in the contentious relationships were more likely to develop high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar and other markers of what's known as "metabolic syndrome," said study author Nancy Henry, a doctoral candidate in clinical healthy psychology at the University of Utah. Metabolic syndrome is known to boost the risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes. While many studies have linked poor marriages with poor health, Henry said she believes her is the first to tie in depression as a possible route through which the strain boosts the risk of metabolic syndrome. "The negativity triggers the depression, which is associated with the metabolic syndrome," said Henry. This was found true, she said, only for the women in her study. For the study, she interviewed 276 couples, median age 54, by questionnaires, asking about positive aspects of marriage quality such as mutual support and sharing, and negative aspects such as arguing, feelings of hostility and disagreeing over important issues such as kids, sex, money and in-laws. She asked about depressive symptoms. Couples were married, on average, 27.5 years, most in their original marriage. For the rest of the story, click here to go to the HealthDay website article.

A great quote on enlightened relationships from Eckhart Tolle in "The Power of Now", p. 128:

"The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partners as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.. That Immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate - in love - or move more deeply into the Now together - into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple."

Happy Hearts Day everyone! xo

Thanks to the Onion for today's Yuck:

Valentine's Day 2009

Relationship Tips

FEBRUARY 6, 2009 | ISSUE 45•07
Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of love:

• Remember: Fragrant roses, moonlit walks, and candlelight dinners are all wonderful ways to avoid addressing the real problems in your marriage
  Check out the rest of the list at The Onion:
  http://www.theonion.com/content/tips/relationship_tips
  
  

Here's a very interesting OpEd piece in today's New York Times, entitled "Till Children do us part". It discusses the impact that that children have on a marriage, and notes that parents spend significantly more time with their kids, and less time with each other, than in years past. My favorite quote from the piece...perhaps one to take to heart..."the airline warning to put on your own oxygen mask before you place one on your child also holds true for marriage"

Some ways to give back and simultaneously give to your sweetie this Valentine's Day:


1. Invest in a poor entrepreneur and get your lover some chocolate to boot, at Microplace.

2. 14 Charitable ways to celebrate Valentine's Day.

The Costco Magazine ("Costco Connection") did a nice feature on Lambs on Love for their most recent Feb 2009 Issue. Check it out here.

Oprah.com has some good resources for couples on the new relationship channel, including a recent series on Sexuality. You can also download the video or audio from these shows from iTunes.

RED HOT PASSION FOR GOOD
Source: California Psychics
By Maryam Henein

Do you suddenly have a headache at the thought of making love to your partner? Would you rather spend the evening at a bar with friends than snuggled up on the couch with them? Would you like to rekindle the romance but simply don't know how?

Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that's it's easy to get into a rut. Yet successful couples realize that romance and passion ebbs and flows. Such is life. The difference between those who make it work and those who don't, however, is that successful couples continuously make an effort to infuse romance rather than wait till the relationship is too stale to salvage. It's an ongoing effort. That shouldn't be brain surgery, and yet, all of us struggle with it from time to time. The real question is whether or not you really want to make things work. So...

Ask yourself, do you want to be together? That's the bottom line. If you do, it's never too late to add some sizzle with the suggestions below.

Admit it and let it go
To begin with, it's important to look at the underlying reasons why you are no longer connecting. Are you still attracted to them? Did you ever feel passion towards your partner, or are they more of a friend? Are you turned off because they've let themselves go? Are you angry? The accumulation of resentment is a major reason couples grow apart sexually. So you need to learn to let petty issues go, and discuss the bigger ones. Couples who make up instead of hold a grudge are the ones that survive in the long-run.

Remember and honor
What brought you two together in the first place? Think about it. Remember their smile... the way they liked to play footsie with you before you dozed off... the fact that they obsessed with oral hygiene and flossed three times a day. Bring to mind all those silly and endearing things that make your lover who they are. It's important to recall those initial feelings of attraction.

"My favorite thing is to treat each other the way you first did when you were trying to seduce the person," adds Dr. Judith Kuriansky Idiot's Guide to Healthy Relationships.. Flirt. Dress up for them. Wear sexy lingerie. Do it even if it feels contrived at first. Also, concentrate on the positive rather than whining and begging about what they're not doing. Better yet, put your best foot forward and do something for them. For every negative there should be five positives, adds Kuriansky.

It's very important to make sure you appreciate one another. Do lots of small things consistently. Let your partner know that they matter. Respond to their email. Leave a sticky note in their pocket, compliment their hair. Buy them a gift simply because you love them.

Reprioritize
Move your relationship back to a priority position - schedule time together like you would a business meeting - and treat that time together like you're meeting with your best client, suggests Debbie and Paul Lamb, the co-founders of Lambs on Love, a company dedicated to the improvement of couple relationships.

And don't wait for a holiday like Valentine's to do something romantic. It's expected and therefore not really as special. Mix in novelty. Do something spontaneous - show up at work with plans for a night out, plan a different kind of outing. Consider scheduling a weekly date night. Take turns deciding what to do. Plan a weekend getaway or revisit a place that holds special memories for you.

Bedroom play
Whether it's trying a different position, adding a toy or playing X-Rated scrabble, being willing to try something new can change how you see each other, says Pat Davis author of the Passion Parties Guide to Great Sex: Secrets and Techniques to Keep Your Relationship Red Hot.

Don't forget to chat. Remember, the most important sex organ is your tongue, adds Davis. Talk without judgement or attacks. Really listen. Ask your partner what pleases them in and out of the bedroom. We're constantly evolving, so even though you've been together for eons, there's still a myriad of things to discover about each other.

It is never too late to spice things up. If you're married, you've made a real commitment and it's worth the effort. Try to make it work for you, your higher self, the kids and the community. There's a lot at stake, not least of which is your happiness!

DON'T TAKE A SIDE!

But if you do, you can now do it in public. Here's a new "crowdsourcing" tool that allows couples put a disagreement before the general public and allow friends and perfect strangers to take sides. Wouldn't recommend SideTaker as proper dispute resolution tool for couples, but it certainly is an interesting approach in the age of open everything.

Not Exactly in the spirit of a truly loving relationship...but worth a chuckle:

40TH Wedding Anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Commuter Love...can it work?

According to recent statistics even more couples are engaged in long distance relationships

The most recent U.S. Census in 2006 showed that about 3.8 million Americans are in commuter marriages, a 30% increase since 2000. While many believe that technology can help lessen the distance faced by commuter couples face, their is no evidence that this is the case.

"...while innovations like e-mail, video chatting, instant messaging, Twitter and Second Life have increased the volume of Internet chatter, they haven't necessarily made long-distance relationships any more successful, Guldner says. Communication's quality, he says, has always meant more than its frequency.
"Information technology has definitely led people to believe that long-distance relationships will work more than in the past," says Guldner. "Whether that's true is the big question we're dealing with right now."

See the full Forbes article addressing the challenge of long distance love and technology here.

Just in time for "Parent Role Reversal Month" - a new online tv channel for parents:

http://www.cleverparents.com/category/about

Have fun swapping roles Moms & Dads!!!

THE IMPORTANCE OF IMAGINATION IN A RELATIONSHIP

"For a relationship to stay alive, love alone is not enough. Without imagination, love stales into sentiment, duty, and boredom. Intimacy fails not because we have stopped loving but because we first stopped imagining."

-James Hillman American PsychologistRelated Quotes Books by James Hillman Biography

How true...and in need of being put into practice, daily!

It's Stop Driving Me Crazy Month

And today, the perfect news story for this month from the New Zealand Herald, check this out:

Cleaning, not children, key to domestic bliss

5:20PM, August 9, 2007

The saying "I like hugs, I like kisses, but what I really like is help with the dishes" has been endorsed by a survey released today which suggests the key to domestic bliss is sharing domestic responsibility.

The survey of 750 adults, aged 18 and over, offered some insight into what New Zealanders believed made a successful marriage, and it seemed sharing the vacuuming or cleaning was more important than having children.

The findings of the survey conducted by UMR Research, listed nine different attributes of a successful marriage, with sharing the household chores ranked third.

Director of UMR Research Tim Grafton said New Zealand attitudes and opinions were similar to those of Americans found in a survey earlier this year.

The top ranked attribute in both surveys was faithfulness, followed by a happy sexual relationship.

Children ranked sixth on the list, well below housing and adequate income.

Comparisons with an earlier American survey revealed the increasing importance of sharing the load at home, Mr Grafton said.

In 1990, 47 per cent of respondents believed sharing the chores was important, compared with 62 per cent this year.

"It seems that over the past 17 years there has been an increasing appreciation of the value in the equality of unpaid work at home," he said.

The most significant difference between New Zealanders and Americans was the importance of shared religious and political beliefs.

Nearly 50 per cent of those surveyed in America believed similar religious beliefs were important, compared to 21 per cent of New Zealanders.

- NZPA

Enjoying Work Less Month!

If you're following the calendar, you're enjoying an easy month right now. It's Work Less Month and time for a break! But working less isn't as easy as it sounds! Here's some ideas to keep you focused on relaxing this month:

• Mediate - it's not for everyone but even if you can manage 3 minutes a day, it can help.
• Scheduling - schedule time NOT to work, NOT to clean or NOT to be busy together- and no tv either folks!
• Get Out - take a walk, hit the gym or go to the dog park together - whatever it is, head out with no plan, no agenda - together.

Whatever you choose, remember the focus is to be present and enjoy today - together!

Well, thank goodness we didn't title this book...one fun WEEK at a time! It's hard enough to keep up monthly sometimes!

Welcome to "Get in Touch With Your Masculine Side Month" Ladies!
Gents: you have the month off - woo hoo (unless of course you neglected to get in touch with your feminine side last month - you know who you are :)

My mission this month: manly things!
So far, I've:
1. killed a bug
b. used a hammer
c. cleaned my car (ok, it's a minivan)
d. glanced at the sports page in the newspaper

Ok, so, not too fantastic, i know - but I'm getting new tires put on the car this week - all by myself - does that count???

Stay tuned - I'm not done yet.

Hi everyone! Amazing that it's May already - welcome to "Get in Touch With Your Feminine Side Month!" Have you scheduled your massage yet Gentlemen? No? How about a bubble bath?? NO???? Ok Gents, Time to get Metrosexual and at LEAST go for the extra scalp massage next time you get your hair cut!!!!

Ladies: whew - a month off for us! For me, I'll be catching up on Swap Chores Month from last month - something I must admit I didn't do much of last month! First up: grunt work in the yard - i'm off....

Thanks To Marsha B. for this yuck today:

Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well.
One instructor told his
communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well. "What was her answer?" the instructor asked. "I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."

Hardy har!
Have a FUN day!

A GREAT WAY TO THINK ABOUT YOUR LOVE RELATIONSHIP

"To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten."
-anonymous